On January 25, 2012 Michael Francis, JC Penney President, said of DeGeneres that she is “one of the most fun and vibrant people in entertainment today, with great warmth and a down-to-earth attitude.” Conservative groups were not slow in expressing their disappointment with this decision.
Today, February 13, 2012, just one day before the coveted Valentine’s Day celebration beloved by JC Penney shoppers around the world, Francis not only reversed his decision, but made this unanticipated announcement.
“Today I have realized that JC Penney, once the bastion of Christian ethics in an increasingly secular world of retail merchandising, must reclaim its place in a society that so prides itself on the virtue of holy living. I have just got off the phone with Ms. DeGeneres to let her know that her services will no longer be required. Also, to further show that I am serious about JC Penney and its stance against immorality we will be instituting a ‘Sin Scanner’ at all of our stores. This will be invisible to the patron and will only enhance the shopping experience.
“It works like this: simply drive to your local JC Penney and enter the store through the main doors as you normally would. Above each door is a non-invasive, infrared, radio scanner that checks each incoming patron for any trace of sin. If nothing is found the patron may enter the store as normal. If, however, any sin is found, that person will not only be ejected from the store, but their photo will immediately be posted on our corporate website and Facebook page so that everyone will be aware of the sinners in their neighborhoods.
“I am certain that this will promote an enjoyable, sin-free, inoffensive, safe, family friendly, non-partisan, anti-bacterial shopping experience that is sure to bring a smile to all ages.”
Francis did not take any questions from reporters.
In other news it has been announced that JC Penney will be filing for bankruptcy by early March.